Audrey - Again

Just finished reading Sam Wasson's Fifth Avenue, 5 A.M.:  Audrey Hepburn, Breakfast at Tiffany's and the Dawn of the Modern Woman.  A great summertime read!  Reminded all over again why we love Audrey Hepburn.  Class, beauty, and niceness rolled into one infamous little black dress.

(Interesting Fact:  According to Wasson, the artist was instructed to add the cat to the iconic movie poster for "Breakfast at Tiffany's" to remind conservative audiences that Audrey Hepburn's Holly Golightly was a 'kook' and distract them from the whole inconvenient and unseemly call-girl aspect of the controversial character...)

Who doesn't love Audrey Hepburn and Givenchy for giving us this classic LBD? As Hepburn herself said, "My look is attainable.  Women can look like Audrey Hepburn by flipping out their hair, buying the large sunglasses, and the little sleeveless dresses."  Maybe these oversized square sunglasses from Emilio Pucci would do the trick?

Borrow Audrey style this summer with a bateau necklines, slim trousers, flats, sleeveless tops,  wide-brimmed hats and, of course, your natural charm. Tres jolie, mon amis!

Mille tendresse!

Contemplating Emerson

My favorite philosopher is Emerson.  He stated things so simply, clearly and truthfully.  He spoke his mind, even if it went against popular opinion.

Three great quotes from Emerson to ponder today in your quest for true beauty:

"There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around us."


"Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait."


"Things are pretty, graceful, rich, elegant, handsome, but, until they speak to the imagination, not yet beautiful."

Questions I'm asking myself:

• How do I scatter joy?
• Where have I scattered pain?
• How do I demonstrate grace?
• What speaks to my imagination?

Xx
Coni

Embracing Your Scars

I've just started reading a new book "Little Bee" that has received very good reviews. I'm only a few pages into it and was stopped by a wonderful quote from the narrator, a Nigerian girl living in England: "I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because, take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived."

I don't yet know what her scars are, but I'm sure they factor in the story and reveal much about her.  All of our scars reveal things about ourselves and instead of hiding, we need to embrace them.

I have a 4 1/2 inch scar that traces my collarbone.  It's the result of surgeries I had to fix the bone after it was broken in an accident.  The surgeon inserted a metal plate to heal the bone, waited 9 months, then went back in and took it out.  The accident itself was traumatic - and when the doctor told me I would need to have surgery to repair the bone he was apologetic about the requisite scar.  There's no way to hide the incision across that bone.  I thought I would be upset by the scar.  I thought my 'beauty OCD' would kick in and it would bother me (it's the same condition that makes me keep my nails polished nicely and legs shaved at all times!)

Surprisingly, I have come to see my scar as a badge of honor, in a way.  It's an accidental tattoo that acknowledges that I'm a survivor.  It's sort of sexy, even - makes me feel like a woman of mystery! (Hey, where did you get that scar? Knife fight?)

Most days I forget it's there unless someone points it out.  It hasn't changed what I wear or how I feel about myself and my beauty.  So, when I read that passage, it resonated with me.  The same attitude applies to all my scars.  I can look at the stretch marks from having three children and be distraught, or I can remember that I earned those marks and I have beautiful boys to show for it.  I see the scar in my left eyebrow where my brother and I ran into each other playing 'kick the can' in the dark when I was 10 and I remember my childhood.  Every scar has a story and deserves respect.

Padma Lakshmi, a former model and gorgeous television personality, has a prominent scar on her arm that she sees as something that makes her special.  "I've started seeing my body as a map of my life," says Lakshmi.  Her perspective is very inspiring!

Your assignment:  Look at your scars and remember how you got them.  What did you learn?  How can you embrace your scars to make them beautiful?

xx
Coni

Mirror Mirror

Distorted body image is something many women face.  When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

The picture above is deliberately provocative to show self perception in a woman with an eating disorder.  What she sees isn't real - it's a projection in her mind.  (And obviously, this woman would need to be receiving intensive counseling from a professional to deal with an eating disorder of this magnitude.)

While most women aren't that extreme, we do tend to spend more time looking at our flaws than our assets.  Our eye is drawn to the one blemish or the least favorite parts of our body  - the negative is seductive and takes our attention.  The unfortunate side effect is that we don't pay attention to what's beautiful on the inside and the outside - there's no room for a positive conversation when we're stuck in a negative sound loop in our heads.

Your simple assignment today is to look in your mirror and choose three things you like about yourself.  At least one of the things needs to be an external, physical feature (like your eyes, your legs, even your neck!) and one of the things needs to be a personal attribute (like being loyal, kind, a good friend, a good mother, patient, or energetic.)  Write these three things down on a post-it note and put them on your mirror for the next week.

Every time you look in the mirror, read those positive things and think about how you're going to take what's already great about yourself and make it better.  For example:  if you like your eyes - try a new eye shadow, wear a top that matches your eyes, resolve to make more eye contact.  If loyalty is one of your strengths, find a way to show that today.

Work on making your 'inner dialogue' positive and reinforcing so that you feel beautiful and reflect beauty.  It's hard, but worth it.  Pay attention to the voices in your head.  You can also try an experiment:  keep a piece of paper with you for an entire day with two columns labeled "positive" and "negative." Each time you have a negative thought about yourself make a 'tick' mark in the negative and do the same for positive thoughts.  How many more times did you criticize yourself rather than pay yourself a compliment?  If you're like most women, the balance is heavily shifted to the negative.  Your job is to try to balance the scale, and then tip the scale so you're seeing your beauty and positive attributes as the focal point.

Lastly, if you can't find anything good about yourself, it indicates a bigger issue at play.  Ask others to tell you what they find beautiful about you, write it down, and internalize it.  Sometimes our blind spots are so obvious to others and they see wonderful things that we don't see ourselves - so open your eyes to your own beauty, inside and out!

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Best,
Coni

The Art of the Suit

Does it honestly get any better than Cary Grant in a summer suit?  Wow.  I see my alter ego just out of frame in a fabulous Grace Kelly dress, heels and hat!

So today I took my eldest son, Connor, (age 17) to the Men's Department to buy his first 'real' men's suit.  We made a day of it:  matinee movie, lunch, shopping.  (Sometimes I feel bad for my boys that they never got a sister for me to act out my shopping compulsion upon, but they've adapted well, are great sports and carry my shopping bags!  Plus, lunch was at a chicken wing place with a million sauce variations, so that compensated with a manly factor.)

He ended up with a great starter suit: a black, 2-button Calvin Klein.  It should last him for many years and in many situations as he gets ready for college, job interviews and is old enough now that funerals and weddings require grown-up attire.

It made me realize that with so many of my clients on the job hunt, I've been doing a lot of suit coaching lately - so here's a quick tutorial on how to buy and wear a suit, based on my experience with Connor this morning.  First, why a suit?  Because the suit was built for power.  Broad shoulders, angled lapels and contrasting shirt and tie to bring attention to the face.  If in doubt about what to wear, it's pretty uncommon for a man to ever regret having chosen to wear a classic suit.

Start with the jacket.  A jacket must fit the shoulders properly - everything else can be altered afterward.  Put it on, stretch and pull, make sure it fits.  Connor also got a lesson in suit history:  because of King Edward VII, men in America and around the world do not fasten the bottom button on the coat.  The king was quite rotund and couldn't get the bottom button to close.  So as not to offend, his courtiers left their bottom buttons undone and what started as sucking up became fashion which became tradition.  Gentlemen unbutton the coat when they sit and refasten when they stand.  (There are lots of variations of button configurations - so keep is simple and go with a single or two button coat if you're unsure.)

Next, the trouser.  Men's trousers have a 'break' where the fabric breaks across the shoe or on the floor.  Connor's trousers are tailored to have a half-break, which is the most middle-of-the-road choice (breaks across the shoe in front and goes straight to the floor at the heel.)  If done badly a full break looks like you're playing dress up and no break looks like you escaped a flood.  You shouldn't see your socks when you walk.  Socks match trousers; shoes match belts.  It's a rule.

Then, the shirt.  Long sleeves. Only.  If you want a career in a fast food franchise, you're allowed to wear a short sleeved shirt and tie.  Otherwise, long.  There should be about 1/4" of 'linen' at the sleeve - which is the portion of the cuff that is visible below the suit coat sleeve when the arms are at the side.  Connor was more concerned about color than cut in the shirt, so we went with a basic shirt in a cool dark pewter shade.

Then, the accessories.  He has nice shoes already (thanks to playing Bass in Orchestra and wearing a heinous polyester tuxedo all year!) but we got a new belt and then went to the ties.  Alas, he'd had enough of my fashion influence by the time we got to the ties and asserted his independence.  (Connor is a 'uniform dresser':  black jeans, black sneakers, rock and roll t-shirt and a men's plaid shirt as a layer pretty much every day topped with one of his many fedoras.)

He buys these overlay shirts at a local thrift store or inherits them from my father and in his thrift store travels he's encountered all the donated neckties - so that's where he wanted to go to finish the ensemble.  The store was closed today for the holiday, so we'll have to go later in the week.  But I'm actually excited to see what he'll choose.  It will definitely put his 'stamp' on the outfit and let him show his own style.   It's a good lesson in general:  start with a classic base (in this case, black suit, dark shirt) and then rock out with your personality in well-chosen accessories!  The rule for ties:  the bottom point comes right to the middle of the belt.  Not higher.  Not lower.  Again, I didn't make the rules - I just pass them along to the next generation!

Best,
Coni

It's in the Eyes

Last night I went to a wonderful birthday celebration for my best friend, Robin's, husband.  I always love Robin's parties because I get to catch up with her longstanding friends who I don't normally see, plus she usually has new, very interesting people that she meets along her way and she invites to the celebration.

Maybe it was the summer sunshine and the perfect temperature, but I suddenly became obsessed with looking at eyes.  (Now, eye contact is always an important element in projecting confidence and establishing a connection - so I try to pay attention to eye contact, anyway.  My rule of thumb:  when you meet someone, look them straight in the eye as you're shaking their hand and don't look away until you register the color of their eyes!  That's enough contact!)  But last night, after Robin introduced another friend, Carin, and I to a new lovely friend, Elizabeth, Carin commented on how beautiful Elizabeth's eyes were.  And it was true - they are a beautiful shade of seaglass green.  The thing I found astounding was that when Carin gave the compliment, our new friend Elizabeth just shone - her radiance increased by an X factor!

So, throughout the evening, if I was particularly intrigued by a person's eyes, I would tell them -- and the same thing happened.  (Of course, we only compliment sincerely -- nothing's worse than a fake compliment!  And, never tell someone their eyes look tired!!  That's a no-no! )  But when I would tell someone, "You know, you're eyes are really lovely - they remind me of... [seaglass, amber, mystery...] it's fascinating to see how they light up, and how much more of their true self comes through.

Eyes truly are the windows to the soul.  If you pay attention you can see joy, sadness, beauty, humor, tension, lust and every other emotion flit across like clouds on a landscape.

Your assignment:  (1) look in the mirror at your own eyes - what colors/flecks/patterns do you see, what emotions do you see? (2) pay attention to eyes today - your kids, your spouse, someone you've just met.  What do you see and if it's beautiful or positive, tell them!

How to make your own eyes even more amazingly beautiful?  My favorites and some tricks:

• Lashes lashes lashes!  I've tried Latisse and it did nothing for me - waste of cash! I'm still so sad that my favorite Jan Marini eyelash conditioner was forced to be reformulated - and I am eeeking out every drop from my remaining 'vintage' tube.  I'm trying Activlash serum now, and while it's okay, it's just not the same.  Lash extensions are an alternative for the 'lash challenged' - you'll wear half the eyemakeup and look gorgeous!  Lots of maintenance, but if you find a great person like Katie Johnston your visit is such a pleasure you won't even notice the time!  (Katie Johnston, Katie's, Salt Lake City, Utah, 801.897.4786 / katieslashes@gmail.com) 
• Always use eye cream before bed and pat delicately - I love SkinMedica
• Blue eye drops make the whites look whiter French Drops
• Preparation H takes away the bags
• My new favorite mascara is blinc but I alternate with Cover Girl great lash (you can pay more at the department store, but it's all the same, baby!)
• Grooming your eyebrows makes a huge difference  blinc's eyebrow mousse keeps brows in shape
• Maybelline Age Rewind Yellow Concealer hides my dark circles better than anything I've ever tried - even high-end expensive brands!
• And get lots of sleep to make sure you're eyes reflect your beautiful self!

XX,
Coni

Rodeo Princess 101

This week I  got to spend time with a wonderful, new, and atypical client:  a 17 year old budding rodeo princess!  Tiaras and cowboy hats - classic Americana.

Through a somewhat long and convoluted process, the girl's mother had found me and asked me to help her daughter with confidence and interviewing skills. I didn't know what to expect and was thrilled to find out she was just adorable!  Just a very sweet, hardworking girl who has a dream to be a rodeo queen.

I learned a ton about the rodeo queen world through our chat.  Fierce competition.  Good scholarships.  Lots of driving horses and trailers to competitions, hairspray, lipstick, colored trousers/boot combos... and studying! Who knew rodeo queens had to keep up on current events?!  At each competition, these girls not only have to perform on their horse, they have to spontaneously answer questions about world events in a very intensive setting.  Sort of like a beauty contest, riding competition and high school debate tournament rolled into one!

A few recommendations for her that I think we can all use in tense or high pressure situations at work and in life:

1 - Go in thinking of three adjectives that are flashing like neon signs above your head -- breathe and visualize them so that it radiates to the judges.  She chose 'APPROACHABLE'  'KNOWLEDGEABLE' and 'GRACIOUS' -- great!  If you act 'as if' - you become that person and show it to others.

2 - In any impromptu setting, it's just fine to take your time and collect your thoughts.  Whether you're being asked about the oil spill crisis or in a job interview, simply restate the question, pause for a moment, and when you're ready begin the answer.  Try to think of three points to make about the subject:  easy constructs are 'past-present-future' or 'personal-local-global' for example.

3 - Adjust your energy level for the audience and factor in your own personality and comfort level.  If it's an auditorium of 200 you need to project yourself at a '10.'  If it's a panel interview of six people, project yourself at about a 5-6.... more if you've got a table between you or if you're standing at a lectern, less if you're in a more intimate, conversational setting.  If you're in a 1:1 conversation, pare it down to match the person's energy level.  Forget mirroring body language - mirror energy level.

If you have a relatively low energy level yourself, you need to accommodate and go higher than you feel comfortable.  Your '10' probably registers at about an '8' to others - so you have to feel like you're over the top to be pitched properly.  Conversely, if you've been told you're higher energy, you need to be careful to tone it down in 1:1 settings, especially.

Our rodeo princess took away a lot of suggestions and practices, and I'm eager to hear how she does in her upcoming competition at the end of the month!

Best,
Coni

Little White Dresses

It's wedding season, Wimbledon and there's nothing fresher than a white dress! I recently took an inventory of my closet and was surprised to find I have almost as many LWD's as I do LBD's. My favorite is a classic Dolce & Gabanna I bought about 4 years ago that still looks perfect in just about any setting. Here I am wearing it on a trip to Turks & Caicos - simple and cool!

A quick search of current store inventories show there are varieties of LWD's to be had at all pricepoints and for all body shapes. It's a lovely alternative that is still sophisticated and elegant for an evening out, shopping, or barbecue. If you dare to bare, go with strappy or strapless. There's also a great version with flowy sleeves at Neiman's that I really love!

The key to the LWD is accessorizing. Nude shoes as high as you dare make the leg longer and give a sophistication or a metallic sandal is always a safe bet. Try adding a pop of color - a single bright accessory like a handbag, belt or shoe in a dazzling fuschia, blue or yellow!

Black and white is always a striking combination. If you do go with a black shoe, make certain to add a balancing accessory - like a black belt or jacket - to avoid the 'thunk' effect when the eye travels down the leg to the dark shoe! (Or, make sure it's a thin and light strappy sandal to offset the darker color.) This photo shows great styling that takes the LWD from summer to fall - so make the most of your investment!!

Enjoy!

xx
Coni

Beauty Isn't Real

Do you remember the scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts and Richard Gere are lying in bed talking. He tells her “I think you are a very bright, very special woman.” And she responds, “The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?”

The same goes for compliments about beauty. In this case, he was telling her she was smart and special. But I suspect the same response would’ve come if he’d offered even a sincere compliment about her beauty. Not “Hey, you’re really hot.” But if he’d said, “You are so lovely” she probably wouldn’t have believed him.

Why? Because how people perceive your intelligence, talent, ability, and yes, appearance is not real. “Beauty” is not real.

Let me repeat that: “Beauty” is not real.

It is in your head. It is in every person’s head. It is literally, in the eye of the beholder. Well, baby, you are the beholder. So change the way you behold yourself and you will change the way you feel about your beauty. Not so easy. But so worth it in the end.

Horizon Moment: Understanding Beauty
How do you know if you’ve climbed a mountain? Not by looking ahead. You know by looking where you’ve come from and seeing the change in the horizon. These "Horizon Moment" questions help you see how far you’ve come and help you feel confident in your progress at each stage of rehab.

1. What do you believe about beauty today?
2. How would you describe your attitude about your beauty?
3. What are your concerns or fears about this process?
4. How are you excited or positive about this process?

Are You a Beauty P.O.W.?

Some women have a fear of growing older. Maybe they’ve always been “beautiful” and reinforced for physical beauty throughout their lives. There may be no worse curse than to be a beauty. I know, shocking! But it’s true. A beauty is told so often that she’s beautiful that she may doubt her other qualities. She may not know that she’s funny, intelligent, or brave. And as she grows older and the younger beauties are hot on her heels, she may think that she has to hold on to that beauty at all costs, because she has nothing else.

This leads to unfortunate collagen accidents and costly plastic surgeries. This leads to dressing like a teenager when she’s in her mid 40s. This leads to being vulnerable to men who, understanding the psychology of a beauty, don’t tell her she’s beautiful – but tell her she’s smart. Now, she may indeed be smart, but even the smartest beauty can’t resist a man who acknowledges her intelligence and this leaves her wide open to being seduced by a man who has found her weakness.

On the other side, we have the woman who has never thought she was beautiful. She’s had to discover other ways to attract and intrigue. She may have sharp wit or a great career, but underneath she’s the ugly duckling yearning to be told she’s pretty. Some of these women just give up. They don’t bother with the “beauty game” because they don’t think they can compete. So, they dress in a uniform – such as sweats every day, or the same black pants and tops, or any other recycled look – and they silence the woman inside them who wants to be beautiful.

Some women have been or are ‘beauty prisoners of war.’ Someone in their life – it could be a parent, a partner, or another influential person – picks out the negative, never the positive. This beauty terrorist is skilled at finding the little insecurities and blowing them up. If they’re being kind, it’s backhanded compliments – “You look so great for your weight!” But in extreme cases it can be incredibly demoralizing, flat out overt criticisms about appearance. If you’ve survived your beauty POW experience, this book will help you understand why you feel the way you do and how to reclaim your beauty. If you are currently in a POW situation, this book will give you the confidence to understand how another person sees you has nothing to do with beauty. You own your beauty and you have the power to decide how you feel about how you look.

Whether you were the beauty or the ugly duckling or a beauty POW, understanding your beauty psychology is important. Your life experiences have created your unique perception of beauty – nobody sees ‘beautiful’ exactly the way you do. The people and influences you encountered in your childhood, when you were forming your vision of ‘beauty’ play a role in how you see yourself today. You have a unique view of yourself. Nobody sees your physical self exactly as you do. This view of yourself can change as your life unfolds. Divorce. Illness. Stress. Cancer. Pregnancy. Menopause. Weight changes. They all affect how you see yourself and what you choose to project.

Today's Beauty Rehab Question: What are your beauty fears? Do you have any 'beauty terrorists' from your past (or present?) who are still feeding you negative thoughts?